The Argument In My Head

This week there were contractors coming over to fix the shower in my apartment. While I was away last week, my boyfriend was in the shower and parts of the floor began to collapse. Jovian, my boyfriend, mentioned to me that he was actually feeling anxious and preparing retorts in case the contractors made any inference that the collapse happened because of our size.

I won’t attempt to say that I speak for all obese and overweight people out there, but I’m sure many will agree that this has also happened to them. I too have played out scenarios and arguments in my head because I was worried about being blamed for something because of my size. In my last apartment, after moving in, I noticed that there seemed to be weak spots in the flooring. When I mentioned this to my apartment manager, she told me “those are suspended floors.” I knew better and lived there in fear that I was going to fall through rotted floors. Now, if I were of normal size, I would have been jumping up and down on these floors just hoping to own an apartment building. Because I AM obese, in fact, according to many charts, morbidly so, I was sure to be careful but was constantly preparing myself for “it’s your fault because of your size” that the floors are bending.

The apartment that I currently live in with my boyfriend is old. There is a lot that is falling apart with it although the floors seem sturdy—knock on wood.. but not too hard! Unfortunately, the management company is shit and only care to fix something when it has actually collapsed. In other words, there’s no preventative maintenance going on here yet he still was worried about being blamed.

As a fat person I worry about fitting into seats at concert venues and airplanes, about chairs breaking under my weight and about small children actually calling me out on it. I’m telling you, five year olds can be brutal in their assessment of your stature. Why? Because it hurts. Embarrassment hurts.

The contractors were great guys who spent eight hours here demolishing and preparing to rebuild our shower. I overheard Jovian talking to one of the guys, Effraim I believe, and he noted “this has been rotting away for years, this is nothing that you did.” Believe it or not, we wanted that said out loud and even though it was said, we’re still worried about getting a bill from the management company for the shower. Time will tell, but the argument has been prepared: “The shower didn’t collapse because of our weight, it’s because you’re cheap ass bastards!”

This week I weight 243.4!! Down two pounds this week for a total of 8.6 pounds lost since September 20th, 2009!!